ArcaMax

Emily Post won't help you.

The queen of etiquette, circa 1922, had little to say about what to wear in an office. Women, especially, were hopeless cases. "Mood, temper, jealousy ... are the chief flaws of women in business," she wrote. I'm afraid those flaws could also apply to men in business, one or two, anyway.

Of course, Emily Post lived and died well before the invention of "Business Casual." I suspect she would be shocked by the concept, but for us, it was liberating to the max. No more ties. No more pussybows. No more hard shoes. No more high heels. Wool and silk were out. Polyester was in. Stiff was out. Stretchy was in. The only way you could be more casual was to wear a bathrobe to work.

But only on Fridays. That was the rub. Our leaders would suffer the indignity of a workforce who looked like hobos and hobettes, but only for 20% of the work week. Then something happened -- COVID-19 came and with it, we entered the age of remote work. So, at last, you really could wear that bathrobe to the office, because, why not? Obviously, the dress code must be rewritten when your desk is your kitchen table.

It was comfy. It was cozy. But what happens today, when companies are rushing to revoke the remote? When you have to hang up your bathrobe and get serious about getting dressed? Your go-to sweatshirt/sweatpants outfit is surely a firing offense now, even if you do freshen it up occasionally by throwing it in the wash.

It was an article by Carrie Battan in New York Magazine that alerted me to today's fashion nightmare. In "It's Time to Kill the Casual Workplace" Battan takes clues from "Emily Post's Business Etiquette" a new book by the great-great-grandchildren of the founder of the etiquette industry. Rest assured, it's totally 2025. Where else would you get advice like "Your work calendar should not include 'Vasectomy at 4 p.m..'"

But do we need this kind of advice? Everyone knows that vasectomies should never be scheduled after 10.

Casual Friday is dead, but before you take your pussybows out of mothballs, here's a week of wardrobe tips that are sure to work at work.

Medieval Monday

Got a meeting with your manager to discuss your performance review? Let them know you plan to defend yourself by arriving in helmet-to-toe chain mail. Lay your lance on the table and have your squire bring you a joint of mutton and a cup of mead. Your manager will know you expect a seat at the Round Table.

Rodeo Tuesday

If Beyonce can do it, so can you. Load up on belt buckles the size of dinner plates and hats so big they could actually hold dinner for eight. Let your spurs jingle-jangle as you mosey into meetings. Soon everyone will know who is trail boss in your outfit and you won't have to worry about a shoot-out with those black-hearted villains in HR.

Formal Wednesday

It's not a workday; it's Senior Prom! Whether you rent yourself a tux or put on your best formal, it's time to take your nose off the grindstone and put on your dancing shoes. Let everyone see you can produce a scintillating sales presentation and do a sizzling Charleston, too. Don't wait to be elected Prom King or Prom Queen. Bring your own crown and wear a royal red sash proclaiming your imperial status throughout the workday. Be weird enough for long enough, and you could get a transfer to marketing.

Furry Thursday

Let your fur flag fly. Demonstrate your commitment to the fuzzy-wuzzy lifestyle by letting all the mean managers pet you. Consider choosing a marsupial costume for your fursuit. That way, you can arrive for presentations with your laptop in your pouch.

Naked Friday

You can't get more casual than naked. If you're not 100% proud of your body, you may spend the day hiding under your desk, but that's OK. Remember the basic rule of business -- if they can't find you, they can't fire you.

I trust that these fashion ideas will get you through many weeks while maintaining your reputation as a fashionista. For more help, consult the new Emily Post book, where the masters of office etiquette make the case for "saying please and thank you to your AI devices."

We all want to be polite, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

The seven words no one will ever say are "Thank you, AI, for taking my job."

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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