ArcaMax

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were ...Read more

In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number.

In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked.

“Here,” replied one half-awake ...Read more

Campaigns have finally arrived in the 21st century. They can produce bull**** at the same rate as actual bulls!

Lewis Black

-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often than ...Read more

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God ...Read more

What do we do with our messy heroes? When they leave this earth, should we muddy the flow of praise by pointing out the asterisks? Must we cement their memory upon their most pernicious moments? Can we allow room for nuance?

The question of Hulk Hogan's legacy finds a fitting home in Florida, full of people reckoning with misdeeds. Here at ...Read more

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis."

Jimmy Fallon

A new study published by the British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. Just sitting around can kill you. These are the kinds of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.

Jay Leno

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "...Read more

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven...Read more

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."

Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."

Next kid says, "My daddy's an ...Read more

... continued from above

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband. "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"You forgot," he said, "I dropped you at the...Read more

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasn't there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has scolded me many times over leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to ...Read more

The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, ...Read more

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.