As chairman of the bored in my house, a responsibility I take sitting down, I am thrilled to announce that I have a new chair in my office.

My only worry is that, as with all the other chairs I have ever had, I will lose possession of this one to either my wife or — this has actually happened before — a dog.

The stolen seat saga began many...Read more

You scream, I scream, we all scream for …

Beer!

Well, I do when the grandkids aren’t around. But when they are, we all scream for ice cream. My screaming happens when I eat it too fast and get brain freeze, which I would get even if I were marooned on the blistering sands of the Sahara Desert without food, water or a heaping cone of ...Read more

I may be barking up the wrong tree, but as a human who has been owned by several canines, I am in a good position — standing, running or being yanked in several directions at once — to pass along my expert tips on walking a dog.

Tip No. 1: You do not walk a dog. The dog walks you.

I have been reintroduced to this pet project since Opal, a ...Read more

Everyone knows that heat rises. Everyone also knows that I am full of hot air. Therefore, you could say with scientific certainty that I am an airhead.

But you would be wrong. That’s because, according to a respected sleep specialist, my head doesn’t get sufficient air.

That was the alarming finding in a sleep study I can’t fully ...Read more

When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember.

So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t.

There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t work.

Then there’s the ...Read more

Now that my office has new flooring and is finally so clean that it could win an award from Good Housekeeping, I am turning over a new leaf.

Actually, 17 new leaves, which belong to a houseplant that my wife, Sue, gave to me so I could have someone (or something) to talk to when I am lonely or need inspiration so I can write drivel like this.

...Read more

As a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.

Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and record what I did in bed — it was nothing to write home about — during a sleep study.

I participated in this diagnostic test, which required me to stay in a ...Read more

Every 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.

Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test.

That’s the sacrifice I made to...Read more

You can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project.

That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so new flooring could be installed with the help of yours truly and my trusty hammer.

...Read more

I like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts.

That’s why I have bought two boxes of cookies from my 8-year-old granddaughter, who represents the third generation of Girl Scouts in our family.

They include my wife, Sue, and our two daughters, ...Read more