Siblings' Childhood Behaviors Resurface As Adults
DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that my siblings and I are "orphans" -- both of our parents have died -- we have only one another left. This is proving to be challenging. All of our old childhood behaviors are coming back, and I feel stuck in the past. My older sister is really pushing my buttons, and I am finding it difficult to interact well with her without feeling constantly dissed or overly defensive. How can I get to an emotionally stable place with her? Am I delusional in thinking I can finally get past this when I never could when our parents were living? -- Tired of Sibling Rivalry
DEAR TIRED OF SIBLING RIVALRY: Before being in your sister's company, center yourself. Do a mini meditation where you focus on your own strength and presence. Remind yourself that you have control over yourself. When she says or does things that hit a nerve, do your best to ignore her. When that doesn't work, ask her to stop, and walk away if you can. If she remains relentless, stop putting yourself in situations where you must be around her. It may be sad, but you do not have to put up with anyone bullying you, including your sister.
If you want to let her know that this is a conscious decision on your part, tell her you have had enough. If she wants a relationship with you, it must come with respect. Otherwise, enjoy your life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm having a lot of issues with my roommate, and most of them seem to stem from how cheap she is. We're constantly clashing over shared responsibilities and household expenses. For example, she never wants to take her turn when it comes to buying essential shared items like dish soap, paper towels or trash bags. I feel like I'm always the one footing the bill for these things, and it's starting to build resentment. On top of that, she's extremely controlling when it comes to the thermostat. She refuses to turn on the heat in the winter or the air conditioning in the summer to save money on utilities, even when it's uncomfortably cold or hot. I understand wanting to be cost-conscious, but I also think it's unreasonable to sacrifice basic comfort in a shared living space. I've tried to bring up these things with her, but the conversations either go nowhere or turn into passive-aggressive arguments. I don't want to live in a constant state of tension, but I also don't want to keep enabling her behavior. How do I set boundaries with her? -- Cheap Roommate
DEAR CHEAP ROOMMATE: You may need to resort to rationing your household items and locking them away when you aren't using them. Put your foot down regarding the heat and air -- even if you have to pay the difference. That may need to be a point of negotiation.
Clearly, she cannot afford to live there. Your next step needs to be either to find a new place or a new roommate.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2025 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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