Q. My 5-year-old daughter is so traumatized by her mom's and my breakup that she will not leave my side. She tells me she is afraid I won’t come back. When it is time to return to her mother’s home, I ask her if she wants to go to mommy’s, and she clings to me. When it’s time to go to school, I ask her if she wants to go to school and she cries. Her mother disgusts me, but I keep my feelings to myself. She is convinced that I am trying to sway our child. I’m not forcing her to do anything. She doesn’t want to go. I just want my child to be happy. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. The immediate suggestion of most would be to say that this child needs counseling, but never having talked to her or witnessed the behavior you are describing, I have no idea if that is the answer. More than that, I look to you and mom to provide the stability she needs.

Children follow our lead. It doesn’t sound like you are leading.

It sounds as if you are so consumed with “disgust” and not upsetting your child that you’re letting her make decisions that she doesn’t have the emotional or intellectual capability to make. She’s 5. She’s frightened. Her parents have broken up, live in two different places and when she leaves one, she isn’t sure she’ll ever see that parent again.

So, she’s crying and clingy. And rather than guiding her and reassuring her that you both love her, you’re asking her what she wants to do. She doesn’t know. She’s waiting for you and mom to guide her.

Breaking up with children is more than simply going your separate ways. You need a plan. Yes, a breakup plan. It doesn’t matter how much you detest each other. Animosity and disorganization will devastate your children.

The plan consists of how you talk to each other, how you talk about each other, when you will reach out to each other for help, how you will successfully exchange your child, where they will sleep, how you will both discipline your child, what is the bedtime ritual, how will you compare notes and keep things consistent, how you will problem solve in the name of your child, how and when you will date others—the list is really no different apart than it is when you are together (except the dating part). The difference is how you execute these decisions—and if you are asking your child for direction instead of your co-parent, you’re not giving your child anything but more confusion.

My suggestion at this juncture is that you start helping your child by both you and mom looking into some individual counseling and co-parenting help and together design a plan for how you will successfully raise your child together.

As your attitude changes, if you don’t see rapid improvement in your child, there is more here than I can analyze from afar---but I am confident in saying it starts with you and your co-parenting relationship with her mother. Put your child first. That’s Good Ex-etiquette For Parents Rule No. 1.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC