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Q: I have a lot of bitterness about the way my parents treated me growing up. After all these years, I still struggle with negative feelings; all I remember is their harsh criticism, unloving attitude and generally dysfunctional parenting. But I'm really worried about how these memories might affect my relationship with my own kids. Help?!?

Jim: Our staff counselors say that the struggle you're facing is probably more common than you'd think. Many people who were wounded as children -- by their parents' words, attitudes and actions -- end up carrying around a great deal of bitterness and anger. You've taken an important first step in the right direction by recognizing that you need to deal with these emotions.

In the big picture, feelings of bitterness only harm the person who harbors them -- not the one who inflicted the pain in the first place. You're also right to be concerned about how the resentment you feel toward your parents could have a negative impact on your relationship with your own children, particularly during their teen years. So, it's best to resolve this internal struggle before it begins to affect the rest of your family.

I know it may sound cliché, but the best way you can do this is by learning -- and choosing -- to forgive. Ultimately, it's not about your parents; it's about facilitating your own personal healing. I'd emphasize that forgiving and loving someone is an act of the will, not the emotions. You might never experience warm and tender feelings toward your dad and mom. But you can choose to love them unconditionally (as a Christian, I believe there's an important spiritual component to this). You won't be able to move ahead with your own life until you give up your right to be angry at your parents for making your childhood miserable.

If your parents are still living, you might want to consider arranging a time to meet with them to discuss your feelings. Of course, there may be some situations where this wouldn't be advisable -- use your discretion. If your spouse is supportive, it would be a good idea to bring them along. Tell your parents how much they've hurt you and how the memory of their words and actions continues to cause you pain. Keep your emotions under control, but be honest and straightforward. Explain that your purpose is not to hurt them in return, but to find personal release from the negative effects of your memories. Sure, this will take an enormous amount of courage on your part -- but it can be a key step in gaining the freedom you're seeking.

Finally, try to develop some empathy for your parents. Find out what their childhoods were like; see if there's something in their personal backgrounds that made them treat you the way they did. It's quite likely that they, too, grew up with harsh, unloving parents -- and that you're just on the receiving end of a problem that spans several generations. As the saying goes, "hurt people hurt people." If you have a chance to talk with them, attempt some carefully considered questions about their past. If they're no longer living, perhaps you can locate a family member or long-time friend who could provide insights. A deeper understanding of your parents' backgrounds and motives can give you a broader perspective on their behavior. This obviously doesn't excuse the mistreatment you received at their hands, but it might help you release some of your bitterness.

As you begin to work your way through this process, you might consider professional assistance. Our staff counselors would be happy to help; feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357). I wish you the best.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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