We just dropped some serious money on an air purifier thinking it might help with my allergies. I have seasonal allergies. They’re bad in fall, winter, spring and summer.

I do a lot of sniffing.

Some days I sniff, hack and cough so much that if you heard it from another room, you’d think an old ranch hand is choking on chewing tobacco and holler to see if the guy was all right.

Everyone is used to me sniffing and coughing. Nobody hollers to ask if I’m all right. That one was decided a long time ago.

If the air purifier works some magic and helps my allergies, it’s possible I could have more energy. I might win more games of mancala and chess with the grands. I might even be able to reach dishes on the top shelf in the kitchen without having to stand on a chair.

Clearly, I expect a lot for my money.

Not only is our air purifier supposed to help with allergies, but it is also supposed to rid the house of cooking odors. The leaflet that came with it says it will rid the house of bacon, pizza and meatloaf smells.

The cooking smell I’d like to eliminate is salmon. When I cook salmon, I throw open the windows, which lets the salmon smell out and clouds of pollen in.

Salmon tastes good, but it’s not a scent you’re going to dab behind your ears or want to permeate your clothes.

My better half and I were talking about all the different ways people fragrance their bodies—creams, lotions, cologne, deodorant, hair products, hand sanitizers. There are so many different scents and fragrances interacting on one body, it’s a wonder we don’t spontaneously combust.

We even load up our homes and cars with fragrances: pomegranate rose water dish soap, mandarin coriander laundry soap (do you cook with it or wash your clothes in it?) calm and bliss-scented fabric softeners. Scented outlet plugs like almond croissant, salted butterscotch and warm apple pie enable you to fragrance while you sleep. I’m afraid I’d wake up and immediately want to start baking. Or eating. Or both.

The husband said, “Do you know what I think a house should smell like?”

“What?” I said.

“Bacon.”

I didn’t respond.

I just let it hang in the air. Along with the salmon and pollen.

Oh well. At least I have a gift idea for his birthday – bacon-scented plug-in air fresheners for the house. He’ll be in hog heaven.

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