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Dear Eric: I have a situation that’s bothered me for years. I’m a grandfather. I’m going to be 78 this year. I have five children and eight grandchildren.

I’m not a baby person. I don’t like holding them and doing all the things some people do with babies.

I don’t think it’s healthy for parents to pass their babies around the room to be held – by strangers in some cases.

I’m worried I’m not bonding with the infants and feel weird when the parents ask why I don’t want to hold or kiss my grandbabies.

When they get to be around 6 years old, I like interacting with them.

In my generation, the man worked and made the money for the family so they would have a house and what they needed to live comfortably. It was the wife’s job to manage the kids. I would like to add; I put all my kids through college with no student loans.

Am I weird? Should I try to change? I respect your advice.

– Arm’s-length Granddad

Dear Granddad: I wouldn’t worry so much about weirdness. You’re doing what’s most comfortable for you with your own body and relationships. That’s totally fine. There are many parents, for example, who let children decide if they want to give hugs and other forms of physical contact, rather than encouraging or telling them to. It’s about autonomy and what works for the individual and the family.

For the most part, it sounds like not holding the babies in your family is working for you. The issue, then, is the question of bonding. If you feel that something is lacking in your connections to your grandchildren in their early years, there are other ways to address it.

First, talk to their parents about your desire to bond with the babies and ask them if there are creative solutions that don’t involve holding them. It could be as simple as being next to someone who is holding the baby, holding the infant’s hand, or, as they get older, engaging in play with them. Define what bonding means for you and for your family.

There are many different developmental stages in childhood and many entry points for bonding. Don’t stress too much about missing out on a relatively short stage like infancy. If I may, some of your anxiety may be stemming from your own shifting attitudes about the ways men and women interact with kids. It’s healthy to continue to think about and dream about what’s possible. It can be good to acknowledge that certain things that worked for you in the past, don’t work as well now. Do what feels right for you and stay communicative; those are great steps toward bonding.

Dear Eric: I have realized recently that I talk too much. I don’t know if I have always talked too much. Whether this is a recent aberrant behavior, or not, I have to stop it. During my conversations I keep telling myself, “quit talking”, but I just keep going.

It’s bad in person but especially seems to be getting worse on phone calls. I just talked to a relative of mine, who is also a good friend, for three hours when I just called to ask her a question. I think in person I am sensitive enough to read people’s facial expressions and body language to keep conversations somewhat shorter.

On the phone, I pick up on some vocal cues, pause and try to stop, but just seem to totally lose track of time. Who should I contact for help to stop this behavior? I can’t seem to do it myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Less Talk

Dear Less Talk: Ironically, one solution is to talk more, but specifically to a therapist or a coach who can help you dig into this. You’ll be able to investigate your talking as well as your feelings about it.

The latter is probably even more important because you’ve identified what seems like a problem and yet you feel powerless to stop it. So, it might be a question of perception – are you really talking a lot or do you feel self-conscious about your opinions or some other aspect of your personality? It’s worth thinking more deeply about.

You might also talk about this with your primary care provider. If you’re struggling with impulse control or feeling like you can’t stop talking no matter what, there might be something going on that requires medical intervention.

What’s most important is that you share your concerns with someone, or multiple people, who won’t judge you and will listen to the full story. It’s not just about biting your tongue harder. The talking might be a clue and it’s worth following it to see where it leads.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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