ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My older brother and I were born and raised in a Jewish household. My brother’s first wife was Jewish, his second is not. At a recent dinner with my brother and his wife, she informed us of his planned funeral arrangements, which involve cremation and a memorial sometime in the future. While she told us all of his “wants,” he never said a word. By the way, this is not something that’s imminent.

Also, she is very controlling, and we feel these are her wants, not his. In fact, she said she has spoken with several rabbis, and they told her cremation is OK. I know our rabbi would not agree.

I would like to send a letter to my brother explaining why I hope he will follow our Jewish heritage and have a Jewish funeral just like all of our family members have had in the past. Should I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business, or broach this subject with him?

– Concerned Brother

Dear Brother: Neither. It’s worth having a conversation with him to make sure that his wants are being considered and that he’s not in a relationship that’s unhealthy. But that conversation can’t be about your wants. It’s natural to have an opinion, particularly about something that has as much emotional, spiritual and cultural weight as this. But unless he asks for your opinion, don’t give it.

Instead, approach him with curiosity. And do it by phone or in person rather than via a letter. This will allow both of you to hear and understand each other more clearly, and for you to ask follow-up questions.

Be careful not to express an opinion about his relationship that might derail the conversation. However, if you fear that he’s not being heard or that he’s being bossed around, asking questions can help you determine if there’s a deeper issue, like emotional abuse. The larger objective is for you to be a support to your brother.

He may not be making the choice that you want and that may be something you have to accept. But what’s most important is that he’s making the choice that he wants. Go into this conversation with that objective top of mind and it’ll go a lot more smoothly.

Dear Eric: We have had a neighbor for years who has been a decent neighbor. Years ago, she encroached onto our concrete driveway, which in our area requires a two-foot setback from the property line. We brought it up a few times over the years and she always just shrugged and said it’s no big deal.

Due to how we worked and that we had parents with health issues, we had neither the time nor the energy to deal with it. We left the matter unaddressed.

She works for an attorney’s office. Our state had strict adverse possession laws, so we really didn’t worry.

They recently removed adverse possession laws (which, like squatter’s rights, governed whether a person who had occupied a property that the person didn’t own could claim legal ownership). It’s abhorrent to me that people think they are entitled to something that isn’t theirs. I recently asked her to sign an easement agreement with stipulation of removal of the encroachment when her home is sold or leaves her possession, since the law isn’t protecting us.

She took it badly; she wanted us to pay for a property survey and said to get a lawyer. When I said I will not pay but I’ll get an attorney, she removed the encroachment but left it a mess and still did not leave the two-foot setback.

She will not speak to us and she has badmouthed us to other neighbors, and we are at a loss as to how to move forward.

– Not Feeling Neighborly

Dear Neighborly: The direction of “forward” depends on your goals. If you want to get her to follow the law with regard to your property line, it does sound like getting an attorney is the best option available to you. Despite the fact that she’s been a good neighbor, for the most part, her actions regarding the driveway and her response to your request indicate that she’s not open to discussion about your property. This is unfortunate and, from your telling, needlessly aggressive.

It’s interesting that she has, for years, said it was no big deal but when asked to put an agreement in writing, changed her tune. Sometimes something is only “no big deal” if one person is getting the better part of the deal.

If, however, you want to preserve a neighborly relationship, you may want to let it be. It doesn’t sound like there’s much of this relationship to preserve, however, so it may not be worth sacrificing a part of your property for someone who isn’t respecting you.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.