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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was extremely fortunate: My tumor was removed and I did not require radiation or chemo. I have my screenings yearly and all has been well.

Am I a "cancer survivor"? I never want to take anything away from someone who had a much more difficult battle than I did. I don't want to use the term incorrectly.

GENTLE READER: First of all, Miss Manners would like to say how fortunate it is that you are now well. Even the mildest forms of cancer are frightening.

Now for the admonishment:

Are you (and the rest of the world) under the impression that cancer is a competition? Or worse, a war to be fought? Metaphors like "losing," "fighting," "succumbing" or even "surviving" the "battle" add a stigma to a situation that was never a fair contest.

Miss Manners would prefer that any such label be dispensed with altogether. If it comes up in conversation, you simply say that you had cancer, and that now, thankfully, you are doing well. That is as much of a description as is necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a 1-year-old grandchild who lives 90 miles from us. Our frustration comes from their parents advising us to purchase gifts only from their curated wish list.

They strongly defend the list as their "knowing what's best" for their child. I have twice been rebuked for varying from said items, once by brand and once by color. It's nearly impossible to get the exact item requested, given the endless choices of children's products out there. When receiving a thank-you, the items that weren't from the list are not mentioned.

Last Christmas, we were forced to keep an item that cost $100 when we were told that they had bought their own version for their child, and it was too late for us to return ours. You can imagine our surprise when we visited them and saw our grandchild playing with some plastic toys, which we had been told were unacceptable.

We feel the joy of shopping for our young grandchild has been completely usurped, and we don't relish having to do so for many years to come. Should we accept this disheartened feeling and follow the list to keep the peace?

GENTLE READER: No, please resist. Miss Manners does not wish to live in a world in which the registry bullies win.

You might tell the parents, "We enjoy getting things for Graham, and while you know what's best for him, we like to have a little fun with it, too. Perhaps while he is young, we will just stick to experiences -- like taking him to the park when we are in town -- instead of giving him presents."

As he gets older, Graham will surely start to have his own opinions about what he likes to play with. And you can start to form your ideas more directly from the toddler's mouth.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN