Dear Anna,

I've been with my partner for two-and-a-half years, and six months ago they came out to me as nonbinary. I want to be clear that I love them deeply and I'm so proud of them for sharing this with me — I know it took courage. They've asked me to use they/them pronouns, which I'm working on (though I still slip up sometimes), and they've started exploring different ways of expressing themselves through clothing and style.

The thing is, I'm struggling with what feels like a lot of changes all at once, and I'm worried I'm not being the supportive partner they deserve. Sometimes I catch myself grieving the person I thought I knew, which makes me feel terrible because they're still the same person I fell in love with. I also find myself wondering about our future together — will they want to pursue medical transition?

How do I navigate my own feelings while being supportive? I've tried researching online, but most advice seems to be either "just be supportive" (which feels oversimplified) or horror stories about relationships ending. I don't want to lose them, but I also don't know how to process my own confusion and occasional sadness about these changes. How do I work through my feelings while being the partner they need right now? — Confused but Committed

Dear CBC,

Your letter radiates genuine empathy and honest vulnerability. The fact that you're questioning how to be better for your partner — and for yourself — tells me loads about your commitment and capacity for love.

First, let's address that grief you mentioned. Feeling sadness while simultaneously feeling love isn't contradictory — it's human. There is no love without grief, for the depth of each feeling enables the other — braiding together like a rope. You're not mourning your partner; you're adjusting to new information about someone you've always known but are now seeing more clearly. As nonbinary writer Alok Vaid-Menon beautifully puts it: “There’s magic in being seen by people who understand — it gives you permission to keep going.”

Your partner hasn't changed — they've become more themselves. The person you fell in love with, their humor, their quirks, their dreams and fears — all of that remains. What's shifting is your understanding, and that takes time to integrate.

Here's what you can do right now: Keep practicing those pronouns, celebrate small victories and forgive yourself the slip-ups while committing to do better. Ask them what support looks like to them. Maybe it's researching local LGBTQ+ resources together, maybe it’s taking them shopping for clothes/accessories that better align with their identity, maybe it's simply continuing to see them as your beloved partner while they explore new expressions of self.

Regarding medical transition — that's a conversation for your partner to lead when and if they're ready. Your job isn't to anticipate every possible future but to love the person in front of you today.

Trans activist Janet Mock reminds us: “Self-definition and self-determination is … about the audacity and strength to proclaim, create, and evolve into who we know ourselves to be.” Your partner is practicing authentic audacity, and you're practicing how to love them through it.

The confusion you're feeling isn't a character flaw — it's evidence that you care enough to want to get this right. Channel that energy into curiosity rather than anxiety. Read books by nonbinary authors, follow LGBTQ+ educators on social media, join online support groups for partners of transgender and nonbinary people.

Remember that supporting your partner doesn't mean suppressing your own feelings. Process your emotions with trusted friends, a therapist or support groups — just not as your partner's responsibility to manage.

The same qualities that brought you together — your capacity for love, your commitment, your willingness to be vulnerable — are exactly what will carry you through this beautiful, challenging expansion of who you are together.

Love is not a static thing we possess but a dynamic force we nurture. Your relationship is being asked to grow and stretch. Will you grow with it?

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